#9.OLD BLOGS (LOST IN THE GREAT GODADDY FIRE)(August 2022 - Feb 2023)

7/31/25

Hello everyone… I’m happy to say that starting this August, I will have been blogging and site making in the @jjj4y0_o capacity for 3 years! Life moves so fast. I’ve been in so many different headspaces throughout this entire non-committal ting. It’s always fun looking back and being like “yea that’s definitely still me though”.

As a treat (and for archival purposes), I’ve decided that I ‘m gonna upload the drafts of my original blog and site that I made in August 2022. The one where I foolishly used go daddy, and was restricted creatively yet still paid way too much. It was a noble effort, but I do not regret switching to Neocities in the slightest.

Regrettably, however many blog posts from that era were lost. I thought they were gone forever until i found these drafts. They’re not very coherent a lot of time, but the energy still seeps through. Maybe you can still get something out of them.
v I wrote these during a very different time in my life. My interests and what I was drawing were a little different too. I still let my art and expressions help tell me what I’m feeling, though. But as I’ve experienced more it feels a little less like walking in the dark. My perspective on how I see my existence has changed- but who’s doesn’t. Especially at the age I am now. I want to continue to stay motivated to grow though, and using my art to reach out to where I feel, even if I’m not sure what it is or how it’ll happen. But one thing I am aware of is that nothing I am doing now could have happened if I didn’t put in this effort in expressing myself; and not being afraid of what I’m not sure of…

Thank you to everyone who reads and supports my silly life… Enjoy reading!



ME WAFFLING (FIRST BLOG EVERRRR)

id taking having a mid job at a good studio who inbetweens keyframes or sum shit as long as it paid well. but that hasnt happened yet so i just be doing whatever fr i have no self awareness so ill make the worst thing ever but idc i think its better to have made something and had a reaction to it. like i have crazy thoughts sometimes. like u know how togashi artstyle is weird and shifty thats how i feel my music sounds some randomly beautiful and some is hard to get thru lol

ever since i registered my site ive been noticing a lot of other people and brands use brain in their title and i hope people dont think copied them. naming the site was kinda hard ngl i didnt want it to be dirtybong because it sounded similar to dirtybird an artists i listen to lol. and after i used brain i remembered brain ticklellc who did that crazy eyedress video. and now im seeing brain everywhere else on different brands and such. i hate looking unoriginal (-,-) never made clothes either bc it felt too basic & wasteful wanna make something more specialized i guess

Scared of looking egotistical/not self aware from having my own blog like what makes me think im special enough or what i feel is worth sharing to other people it might be cool if i just go off the deep end and start monologuing everything kinda the same as tweeting all the time i just like to talk about the stuff in detail prob keep it light and a little weird

My studio class is so unserious this woman got us having to use something from the kitchen in a self portrait



TRAP x ANIME EVENT REVIEW

today i went to this trap x anime event thing (i know, very atlanta). Going in i was afraid of it being musty or weird but i was pleasantly surprised. there were a lot of good cosplays there too. the only thing i didnt fw was the music. they played the squidgames beyonce remix AND a playboi carti blaccmass remix. (-_-) The cosplayers rly saved it for me, and it was fun to talk about people while in line. I regret not bringing my sketchbook, it wouldve been pretty fun to whip it out there. Seeing a good cosplay just makes my heart flutter fr tho like there was this chrollo cosplay that cane out so good. I wanted to go up to them and so many ppl and ask to take pictures but i wasnt on enough substances yet. and ian feel like approaching anyone.



RANDOM NOTES APP SHIT

at the risk of sounding like i have a stick up my ass sick of not trying=cant judge or not trying makes it cool. that attitude came from like punk movement or sum idk very different times though way more competition if u wanna build a community around that attitude it’s cool to stay over there ppl gotta work their asses off just to get noticed now though feel like its only impressive attitude when ur actually decent at what you do putting effort is cool maybe it was cool at first but with accessibility its too much easy mentality to adopt

is it conceited to think youll never be appreciated? or think youre too far ahead or unwilling to milk something you know would work or is that copium

social media give you opportunies it helps but not really still all based in community like if you had a certain dream 50 years ago you would move to a big city and find that community of find what exists of it in you own town and start from there

make sum to sell make something ppl cant ignore

like not having facial hair like existing as a being like not worrying about having to act how dudes act around eachother

Weird dude idk situations where each feel like eachother weird i prob am like that less likely to talk less endearing if my city wasnt so lame to navigate journeyman small interactions nvm hated it all

Took away the seating on little five points

comic always kinda annoyed maybe has to do with weed funny comic idea



HEAVY METAL REVIEW


i watched heavy metal. only really liked the first one the rest werent that good. the sex scenes were so cringe. the girls werent even cute. maybe if they drew them better it wouldve been better or maybe anime has poisoned my taste in pretty girl drawings. rotoscoping was insane tho looked very cool



TSHIRT RANT


what said about making shirts n stuff was cool. I think personally for me waste was always a big reason why i never made tshirts. I also kinda questioned how they were even being made like i didnt want to picture my lil shirt being made in like a swe*tshop for sum nerd to only wear once. i looked at doing a unionized one but i never started. i cant remember really making any designs for commissions either they all fell thru lol. But then later on i also had to read about how much "donation" clothing waste gets exported from the west to the shores of west africa and its insane. That made me kinda think that if i manufacture something it should definitely be something i think holds a worthwhile enough value. Same w nfts i was always kinda skeptical of it. I do like watching the pepe ones LMAOO I also thought shirts were too basic lol i had to be different. but now ive made nothing (. .)



LONELY ASS NIGGA AT GEORGIA STATE COMIC


this is a comic of what happened after i drew someone and they saw me lol you draw? yea Cool. I have my own manga shows me tiktok of webtoon thats cool thanks walks away empty*im sad*



HELL^2 1 RELEASE


post comic blog post :D

i feel like i was happier making it i wish i had a publisher or sum cuz the release stuff is annoying. having to worry about pdf file size correct dimensions. if i wanted it to be printed, trying to code the website so it’d look cool just to give up and make everything as simple as possible after i kept running into issues. its like i could get everything to work, but i didn’t like having the giphy logo pop up everytime you hovered your mouse over it that annoyed me to no end. While i was writing this i thought of solution to one of those issues tho LOL. but its too late for me to care and im glad i kept shit simple anyway

but fuck go daddy i might move the site somewhere else. i thought of a new better name that might not be taken on another hosting service too cause i wanna add comments to these posts but for some reason godaddy the only one who makes it hard i thought of a new name for the site thatd be cooler too but i dont think ill change it to avoid confusion.

ima make my fans struggle tho jus to see who real. Doin the comic made me like creative writing again l used to hate it as a kid but i think now that ive lived slightly longer i actually have ideas and experiences to go off of that i wanna "talk" about. the blog def helped too tho. i noticed ive been putting all of my thoughtful energy into comics instead of tweeting or writing blog posts. writing is fun. probably the best therapy i think for me. blog posts more personal. with comics it different though. people automatically view media seeing how it relates to them to see if its worth getting invested in. i wanna write stuff using how i feel and based off of those ideas. My one thing i dont wanna do doing that is give ppl ammo for their cringy behavior. which makes me wanna put everything under 300 layers of thought so i can absolve myself of any potential cringe. im also the type of nigga to do sum just cuz u told me not to (not in a kanye way) so i hate bein predictable.

its hard to avoid being cliche sometimes though as a contrarian i automatically wanna avoid cliches in whatever i write, but i also know theyre useful in playing w ppl expectations. thats the best part of being new to stuff though bc you dont rly have any yet. the next comic im thinkin about rn will be v diff from the last one. hopefully i can finish it by the end of the year.



THE THING MOVIE REVIEW


Today I watched 1982 or 83's John Carpenter's The Thing. Leading up to it i had heard it had really good practical effects that held up. And in seeing clips on twitter i knew it looked bonkers. It was (*_*). I liked it a lot though, it definitely left an impression. Like one thing i like about the thing is that it goes all out from the start. Like not even 20 minutes in you seeing tentacles flying out of dogs exploding and shit. Like its funny at first just because of how shocking it is. Like why this nigga head got spider legs.. and why he tryna lick me. And then later on when they were all on the sofa and the flamethrowers weren't working ..so fucked up lol. But also nerve wracking. The gore and special effects help up really well. Probably the best out of any movie out of that era like that that I've seen. (I haven't seen a lot) It just felt like really smart suspenseful horror movie to me, kind of like Alien. Except this one actually had me spooked. Like during Alien even though it was much more suspenseful, The Thing actually had me scared because i never knew wtf that shit would turn into next. And it's like because they were traditional props mostly it looked eerie as hell. All of the suspense in Alien just kind of left me disappointed when the alien just kinda looked like a dude in a floppy suit. I will admit as a kid the xenomorph was the most terrifying design ever, though. I couldnt even look at it if it popped up on my screen I'd close my eyes and scroll down till it was gone.

But anyways back to The Thing. This gonna sound zoomer as fuck but I feel like watching it was ruined for me because of Among Us. Like once my brain realized oh this is basically among us it was over.. But I really liked the movie and how it played out it had a pretty satisfying ending. It just sucks watching movies that start certain tropes, because they always feel underwhelming coming from the perspective of someone who's already seen it, albeit slightly differently. This doesn't go for everything, and honestly the later form isn't always better than the classic. It just feels weird having to wrestle through the derivity of everything. It can be really insightful though.

Overall I'd recommend watching 1982 or 83's John Carpenter's The Thing especially if u like old suspenseful shit.




OKAY I'm pretty sure that is all of them. This is kind of me also asseting that I've been that bitch forever and probably will be. Not on cocky shit but just like even if you weren't aware I still was. Anyways thanks for reading :p!!

#8.vlog on my knob

7/10/25

I have a confession to make... well many in fact but today i will confess that i used to watch casey neistat when i was like 13. He's probably a terrible person. And i don't say it in like a scared way i just mean i can see now, especially having lived in new york that that nigga was probably the devil. But i love blogging (duh!) so vlogging doesn't feel too foreign. ANd I like silent talking just as much. Unfortunately it does make me a Nigga With a Camera but I wouldn't consider myself a photographer fr so idgaf. My life just burtiful...





This vlog is from the months of May-July. I think it starts with the collaborative show Mei, Anne, and I did together, and ends with stuff from yesterday, July 9th. In between that time i tabled at tcaf in canada, bodyhack in nyc, successfully forced my music taste on people in my hometown of atl, made moves in silence etc... And inbetween all of that i did a lot of fun stuff, met lots of cool people, and got to expand my mind. :) Hoping to keep up the momentum into the summa.

#7. 1 year

6/1/25

im not really one to celebrate but this feels sort of special. and rarely do i acknowlege whatever i've done as special (outwardly at least). i feel like as soon as i brag or talk about anything a sniper is going to shoot me or an anvil will fall on my head. but for now i will entertain my extremely large and emotional ego.

i feel like that one jill scott song; i was listening to it today and was like yup fuck it i have to write out every thought and flashback of circumstances immediately. im literally living that one fucking song i was working in a fucking freezer a year or two ago and if walmart would have hired me again last year i probably would have stayed home...

nobody else can understand how much work ive done or completely contextualize my existence.

How much ive had to put my head down and accept what lifes smacking me with. And blessed me with...cause lessons can be found in everything if ur masochistic enough. and deep down i know nobody can do the shit i do and did... 22 years old fresh off an associates graduation all trinkets and assets liquidated one week fucking later moving to nyc in a recession during the decline of artistry with no regular job wanting to hire you after searching relentlessly, doing every resume trick in the book and having to sit thru every piece of advice from people who were just put on by their friends or institution and every business in white supremacist babylon looking at you and knowing youre unhireable but because youre nice and pretty and know how to talk they still let you do 3 fucking interviews and gaslight u into thinking u have a chance; not to forget the psychic radiation that comes with having a social media presence- being exposed to everyones opinions on me and my art that might not be said but are definitely felt... Not that any of it affcts me :]. (Although it was nice to do the show last month with anne and mei lol i got to meet a lot of similarly minded kneegrows who also use a pen as their weapon.)

the strictness and hustle mentality in my dna are still useful in current year. im like nonbinary gucci mane with this art shit idc. I'm just doin me. But on sum flood the streets shit. With my swag and artforms. which is its own loaded thing since its kind of inherently stupid but im good at it and apparently not everyone can do what i can so might as well give me some more money while ur at it. it isn't enough, since i'm pretty much just exploiting myself. i just hope i can tax the fuck out of everything and move on. but yea um anyyyywaaayys even if i end up living at my parents again cause im too broke and in debt in a month i know i was successful because success to me is living life dynamically and doing what you love and being in the moment, because in the end because we all are gonna die... fuck a 9/5 and being successful by traditional means in one of the most violent evil places on earth and in industries that run on a cycle of asking "how much mistrel can we get away with?".

if i can be here longer that's cool, but if not i will just guess my services in the city are no longer needed. i'm just grateful for everyone who's company i enjoy here, back at home, across the country, internationally, cosmically... and would I like to keep going further.

speaking of! i will be at tcaf in toronto june 7-8 tabling with mei. gonna be debuting cds, a couple new comics, and a bunch of other things. that is all for now... thank you for reading and supporting.

If you would like to help me out in getting to toronto here are some links.
cashapp and venmo

that is all for now! till next time.

#6. Chicago + Life Update

4/20/2025 (i didn't smoke)

Nobody in the united states is living in 2025. The country is in hospice and i feel like a cancer cell. I’m having a great time. People are treating me well because i post good. Or maybe because i’m genuine. Tbd…



That's enough self inflicted paranoia for now. I know i said i’m the cancer cell but maybe i’m the cause instead. Like red meat. I wrote most of this post on the plane back from chicago. I usually use my notes app for this but i felt inspired. Looking back at what i wrote though i am definitely not sharing all that. I was happy as fuck.

I got the chance to dj and sell art at the clurb again. Which is always fun. Lowkey my livelihood too at this point; along with freelancing and a variety of activities. But being into it all has resulted in a lot of fun interactions and nice conversations with people i probably would have been hoping could have just fallen from the sky before. Matching usernames to faces is always fun for me. Along with people being unaware of what i even do (Sometimes). Digital proximity is a very mystical double edged sword.

What i really want to talk about is the city of chicago itself. I kinda love every city i go to but the scale of chicago was impressive to me. I feel like a lot of people easily compare it to new york, or say its just a wider cleaner version or whatever. But i feel like what caught me off guard was how it had that metropolitan atmosphere but still felt distinctly midwest with a tinge of southern. Like tbh i’ve never even been to the midwest so i have nothing to really base it on. But basically i felt like i was in the south with less hills and trees lmao. Like the train and people felt less like new york and a little more like marta. Still very different. But in a way that made me curious bc it reminded me of atlanta in ways that the stuff east coast cities sort of lack...maybe nonchalance? But like lowkey ramped up even higher. Chicago is like a masculine atlanta. Great migration or something.

Next week I’m going to sell comics, stickers, prints, and more at the Brooklyn Independent Comics Showcase [BICS 4/26-27/2025] with my friend 'til the end MEI [@aveemei]. You should pop out if you can. I will try to debut a new piece of work there! Additionally, i have put up the stickers me and OTIENO [@ok_tieno] made back up on my brainpoison.bigcartel.com. I would appreciate any support. This is my livelihood.

Life is hard but i have been moving steady because i have things to be excited about. And i hope to keep this going. Moves in silence have been made for May… so be on the lookout! Also in june i will be leaving the country for the first time!! I will be tabling with MEI at the Toronto Comic Art Festival!!! [TCAF June 7-8] Which is a big deal!! Apparently. Someone like me was not aware. But i’m excited. This is what i need to be inspired to keep making things. Hopefully i can debut the second part/finale of my new work at the event… winkey face

I will need help getting there not gonna lie; anything would help. If you’d like to help you can buy from the big cartel above; but here is my cashapp and venmo as well. Anything is appreciated. Shit is crazy. You can also always email me at jay597849@gmail.com to commission me! Anyways.

I said i needed more haters. I can't say if its happening or not. It was always like this. What i can say is that i appreciate where i am right now in some ways. Not sure if i ever had this much fun talking to people. I’m very quiet. But thats a lie kind of. The feeling of not even supposed to be somewhere but still somehow getting there makes me want to talk louder. But i know i have to keep doing what i've been doing too. Which is not caring either way. But i really do want to get across how much i appreciate everything.



Thank u tee vera for inviting and getting me there for A/C Dial.. everyone went crazy on the decks..passtorgabber and julienmgreen + spliffany evans knocked it out. I'ma shout out dj, collin, and ricky for being goated, joseph for hanging out, rivyè for letting me hit the za in these dire times,, and Anne + Matt Hero for helping me sell stuff! Also just want to say i had a lot of fun and would like to go back soon lol. Also just want to shout out everyone else i fuck with and who fucks with me! I love talking to people and doing things!!!

#5. in reference to

12/30/24

i spent 22 and three quarter years living in a black suburb of atlanta, georgia. six months ago (june 1st to be exact) i moved to nyc after coming and staying with my best friend Mei for couple weeks a few times a year starting in 2022. i've watched the city change, my city change, the internet change, and one thing i've noticed in these changes is that i seem to always be right in my head; everything only gets worse. to put in simple terms, even as an outsider shit does not seem very live. this isn't exclusive to any place. i left cuz it didn't feel live where i was. at least in the ways i wanted.

i feel like my tendency to overanalyze things eats away at my humanity sometimes. it's like watching a movie as a film maker and you become the asshole that says you consider everything differently. except its for your entire existence and others. it's almost like always minimizing yourself but this minimization gives you a lot of clarity when looking at other people and seeing how they operate; and you feel like you need to because you just can't seem to figure it out on your own.

i'm not sure if it's more reasonable that my neuroticism minimizes my humanity, or that i never seemed to feel human in the first place. i've always been looking for answers in my interactions, and how i can turn them into ones that make me feel good too. whatever conditions got me here and who i am are one in the same.

this year i have had so many unique experiences at levels i haven't since i was probably a child. but at the same time these observations aren't revelations. i knew how the world works. my parents showed me. my surroundings showed me. what parts of myself that i felt i was missing out on whenever i visited nyc versus when i was at home showed me. i knew the city was just a playground to people coming in, and that made it hell for people from there. i've watched gentrification happen to places i grew up around. i already came in with the realization that moving into the neighborhood i did, i would be doing exactly what some of the most annoying people on earth were doing.

but i still tried desperately for 4 months to get a job through any means i could, fake resumes getting forwarded, lying about degrees, going up to random drugged up barbacks at 4am asking if they're hirng, etc. but i honestly am glad for how things played out, in that nothing happened; i was able to get by by tabling with Lola and Jupiter (Junglenetwork), freelancing, and DJing.

nyc is racist as fuck like every other place in this country, and i didn't move here because i wanted to be a nonbinary barista. i did because i'm attracted to chaos and know i can fit in lots of places, depending on how i present myself. i can also deal with the cognitive dissonance of leaving one hellscape that i could simply not adapt to, and going straight to another theater of class and social warfare. i also knew that deep down moving anywhere else would simply be an attempt to slow down the inevitable. i needed to test my humanity, and here i knew that i had friends who i was comfortable with and could help with that.

i can say i have an even greater understanding of how the world works, and ability to appreciate how blessed i truly am to be where i stand inside of it. i also i think i'm finally also able to say that i have never seen myself as a part of any of it. i exist at the intersection of multiple abysses... all of my thoughts have been simply how can i get by based on what i've seen staring back at me. staring, but unable to acknowlege or fully comprehend. hard to live without feeling like a complete freak unworthy of most things except being stared at. it has just led to a certain bitterness.

all this studying of how people work, but i still want to fail whenever it's time to take the test. maybe its my ability to analyze divide and criticize everything i see that has made it impossible for me to comprehend any of the world's tests. or maybe it is this ability that has made it possible for me to see how the world is always failing me.

i may or may not be human, but i think the world may or may not be real. sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't, just like sometimes i am, and sometimes i'm not. the only difference is that more people can see the world as real than can see me when i'm human.

this is less of a year in review and more of a review of everything up to this point. despite my negativity here, i'm as happy as i have ever been. i appreciate everyone in my life greatly. i would like to spread this happy feeling how i can to those who are open minded enough to understand where i'm coming from.

#4. mulu- smiles like a shark album review

12/29/24

this is something that i've meant to do for a while, and usually with stuff like this it's whatever. it's been in the back of my mind for months, though. usually if I enjoy something i'm willing to just save it for myself; unless i'm cool with you. but this is an album that makes me want to give my opinion on it. i'm gonna start writing more tumblr just for this album. it's like a soundtrack to a month long mid season finale. and you just hit the 52 episode rule even though you have a cult fanbase that will complain for years until they get a revival that sucks, and exists as another symptom that begins to dominate the entire media landscape. and then becomes representative of better times that never truly existed, and are used to fuel an increasingly divisive and anti-creative social imagination that will ultimately lead to a technocrat power grab. that exploits these leftover aesthetics in order to influence us into believing that things are made and not carved out by nature and the material world.

the 90s were a crazy time. Mulu sings almost in a confident white women voice that lets me know that niggas were not worried about shit. bjork levels of white woman swag. it's sickening. i would say this album is a perfect encapsulation of the break based 90s electronic evolution skill tree. perfect end of the night or lounge music, but like its got the backbone of something Else. it came out in '97, a year after Walking Wounded and 3 years after Dummy. It's got that depressing diva shit that triphop does great, but also some ravey elements. but these elements are very strict; like it's holding back it's full power a little bit. especially in tracks like Sink, Pink Pony Cafe, and Desire (crazy 3 track run btw). they sorta feel based in very deep jungle songs. almost as if your inside a tree and the water veins got water swishing around. not everything needs a reaction. sometimes you have to sit and observe. drum and bass sound thats not too up it's own ass. Laura Campbell. DIVA IDnB.

it's interesting to where this fits into the evoluton of trip hop. like this album feels like sort of a missing link between the albums i listed before and Mezzanine by Massive attack. (not to say that Massive Attack aren't the OG's)... but the apathy feels sort of similar. Massive Attack for girls almost. sassy purgatory. (Trixter especially) Esthero if she time traveled to 1997 and heard Everything But the Girl drop and decided that she needed to team up with King Kooba. or actually if Tracy Thorn just did instead.

it is trip hop but in a very free, lush, foresty, junglistic way... which means lots of translucent pads and sometimes offputting drums. offputting is a bit generous though, since this is a squeaky clean album. it has it's moments, it just feels very post everything too. not particularly innovative, but very confident. i wasn't touched at times because of the familiarity, but it knows how to overindulge. it's interesting too, watching from my perspective 30 years into the future. finding this album on a whim after people have exhausted the late 90s / early 00s cultural mines...but still somehow have not gotten to this (only 1,445 month listeners on spotify as of writing this). but honestly, i feel as though i'd be about as tired then hearing this as i am now. but somehow, i'm not. it's very good at preserving a feeling. this album is a black hole of ideas, but they're ideas that i enjoy. like if a show got hit with the 52 episode rule; but the show probably didn't need to go on any longer and now exists as a moment in time instead of a shifting entity that would have gotten a little weird and unenjoyable because the writers start adding certain personal vendettas and fetishes. this album narrowly avoids jumping the shark by becoming the shark that smiles and enjoys the moment to the max..

#3. Day 297 Unemployed..

9/6/24 (8/27/24)

Day 297 Unemployed.. today im going to see chiikawa. i will not introduce you to him; you should already be aware of who he is...


now normally i'm not in the loop when it comes to these things. this popup is something that my friend wanted to go to really badly- and it looked cool. i love cute shit and have had my unhealthy share of plushies and tchotchkes but i've never been to a popup for something like this before, or even a mall in nyc so i was hella down.






his glory...



struggled to pick between the two..


[disclaimer: this was after a weekend of ego tripping] tremaine emory did not follow me back.. which is devastating because i took the time to follow him. Now i have to unfollow. i have to assert that i'm not a dickrider in any shape or form, i'm just very friendly. however theres still a chance im inside of the archive which i find very funny...


ANYWAY after chiikawa we went to 2 other malls in flushing. they were all about what youd expect from post covid mall... the last one was kinda interesting tho. like imagine a gentrified chinese mall. lots of stores w chinese but theres just like MARSHALLS and OLD NAVY randomly talking up most of the space. kinda hard to explain the vibe. like imagine ur in china and they put a chinese restaurant that sold burgers right next to a mcdonalds. but the mcdonalds was there first and sells chinese food also.







they were all fun, lots of stuff and people to look at etc.. absolutely bombed at ddr for like 2 rounds then locked in and got almost almost perfect scores. saw an erect badtz maru. queened out and weebed out all at the same time. cutie pie swag with the nenet was strong that day. getting to look like weeaboo trash is epic sometimes maybe i would not feel stupid and basic if i went to japan.





elongated badtz...

(ノ•ᴥ•)ノ ︵ ┻━┻

#2. Womp Womp!?

8/13/24

I don't have any real updates. I just love talking. My brain has exited it's time to shut the fuck up mode. I have been doing a lot of thinking, though. About art and reality.

I'm currently couch surfing... which has been fun in a lot of ways. Not as "fun" as staying in the east village and being 20 minutes away from literally everything; but fun in some very necessary ways. In the boring sort of strange ways. For the last couple of weeks i've been in a deeper part of Brooklyn. Highkey lowkey it's been a great escape from fantasy land. It's definitely not purrfect [kinda like the only black person within a mile radius sometimes] but the time i have spent living in this basement has still caused my brain to undergo metamorphosis. Or maybe it could be black mold idk.

It's crazy cuz again, nothing even really happened or changed. Still on my 10 month strong entry level retail job search. Still can't afford an eighth... [but somehow end up smoking evryday] Still nawt getting everything i desire as soon as i think about it... Like IDK whats up with me still feeling this good right now but it's kinda epic.

Some of it might just have to do with where i am as an artist in this. And having a feeling of what i want to do with all this brain. Cuz like personally, i don't have to be consistent with making art; i can just live and it'll show in my work. Like literally getting EXP in a game. Kind of why i like to float and observe a lot. Not everything needs a reaction... I don't think that's rare either. I think it just comes from knowing how you want to express yourself and letting what you have to say come out. Like my brain takes every idea it sees and studies it as art... and mixes it in with whats already there.

So that meant that when i first moved here and was fucking around in LES and fairytale bk, all of the stimulation and distractions were just constantly being absorbed like my brain was on that metaphorical candied yuppie cocaine. It's an awareness that i'll sort of start feeling anytime i'm in the city doing shit for more than a week honestly. But i mean, thats what NYC does to artists, it's what it's for, right? I can admit i'm sort of drawn to all the stimulation and chaos and bearing witness to pure evil. Well,,, to a certain extent. But also of course tf nawt. Cuz it's like all this city is. Especially when it comes to music and art, where it's like all the yuppie cocaine foreign exchange transplant guarantor accumulated old money slave wealth is tossing quarters back at certain individuals for their n1993r fetishization and "culture" with an infinite appetite for novelty. Do you really think any good art comes out of catering to an audience like that? It gets old for everyone pretty fast, whether they realize it or not.

TBH i don't even know if I should be saying this as a technical "transplant"... but like im sure most of my native nyc friends would agree... and also they fuck with me so fuck literally anyone else's opinions. Like no way good art can be made if the audience is trying to extract something out of it. Whether it be consumed for its current relevance, "swag", or industry clout from writing about it, or even online mythology building. As an artist, DJ, or performer ur supposed to be there to take the audience on a ride. Like u can tell the difference between someone there who understands and is down for the ride, v.s. somebody just taking up space.

Like once the audience is mostly just people taking up space, is it not joever? It's a tale as old as time itself... I mean the artist has technically won, since they're probably getting paid by that point. Also, in this contempoorary age of hustle it is very hard for selling out to not be the main goal. Honestly there are some pretty good justifications for it, especially if you're getting opportunities in your hometown, escaping poverty, etc..

A shitty thing thats stupid and sucks also is that theres this kind of feedback loop from people taking up space, which sort of ends up infecting non-yuppies who aren't just there to take up space. If i had a nickel for everytime i've gone somewhere and the people there had no idea what they're listening to or watching, i would have way too many nickels. And nobody likes having too many nickels. You'll get them confused with quarters sometimes.. it's an outdated unit that's too small to be viable in any realistic shopping environment. Not as iconic as pennies either. But i digress...

Like if the show is dead or just a bunch of white dudes moshing to shitty [redacted] BPM [redacted] might as well just get fucked up and fall asleep in an uber or something. So now ur on ur phone recording not because you want to remember this fun moment, but because you subconsiously know that prolonged drug and alcohol use is destroying your ability to think. Which is leading you to record in the first place, because recording ruins everything. Very counterintuitive, i agree.

Like honestly this makes me empathize with the strictness of being in some neighborhoods... not the ones on sum racist or queerphobic shit but just the closeness and immediately questioning certain things happening that could uproot their life. That obvisously comes with a lot of its own baggage... But like, I lowkey understand where they be coming from. The world operates on multiple levels with multiple possibilities at all times. People will simply react how they think they should... Sometimes also still being wrong as fuck. But I think being strict and more intentional /secretive is cool honestly, and would encourage more boundaries to start being made in these creative spaces. With a big emphasis on different people w similar interests coming together for a specific reason. Cuz i mean honestly just the fact that there is shit for everybody, and stuff to build on is impressive coming from ATL... esp with electronic stuff. I just feel like if pretty much all real world institutional money is just gatekept and distributed by your ideals and ability to conform to certain spaces, how hard could it be for the same thing be applied to counter culture spaces by the people who create them?

i may not even be the right person to ask these questions... but if i won't blog it, who will!?!?!

#1. Hello Again!!

8/11/24

It's been almost exactly 2 years since I made my first website. Everything has changed. I am different. The world is different! But ultimately i would say my relationship to the world remains the same. In that I am #real asf and tha wurld is fake.


I already have a blog. Those posts are like literal marijuana demon gremlin rants tho idk. Now I am #outside so I gotta keep things shorter and sweeter. These blog posts will be less meaty. I want them to function more like travel diaries too, so maybe they'll occaisionally just talk about shit that happened to me or whateva. My life is sort of silly RN.. am currently on my Ibn Battuta/ Miyamoto Musashi (Vagabond) / Emanon shit. Might even rip off Nekojiru and add lil drawings or smth!!!


To kick this #TotallyNotARebrand off, I just want to speak on how wild it is to go with the flow. Its like something you either can or can't do, until you decide to. I think its important to fight the flow, though. Conflict can bring clarity. Even trouble on the horizon can help show what's currently what. I have been experiencing a lot of what the world is for what it is recently. I've always ran the risk of becoming detrimentally nonchalant but i think that has made moving to nyc from atl not too hard of an adjustment. Not really trying to get too much into that RN, maybe later... but I do want to shout out mi friends Mei Lola (jungle network too!) and Daze for being goated.


Anyways, I'm like totally not going with the flow. The flow would be like having a car or something. Or 401k or any concrete goal. I just wanna make stuff and see what others make. From wat I can say tho every scene is cooked... Not even stating it as a fact, but that's what my lifetime and perspective have concluded. From the animators chained to their desk being paid in ketchup packets to to my experience nightcrawling. Not saying that everyhting sucks; but to me it does. Ok not actually. I just wonder how much of culture has reprocessed itself. Especially to fit a modern society that emphasises different things than before. I feel like other artists who like to dig and can see the future know where I'm coming from. I think it's a ticking time bomb all connected to money. We're already in the early '10s. What will happen when the singularity occurs!? Will be awesome to watch tbh!! Or maybe I'll be too busy watching and supporting down to earth artists...


Anyways I'm done rambling byee